dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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