My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
