I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
