im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
