ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
