I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
