I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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