I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
