If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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