You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
