we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
