she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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