why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
