Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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