Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize