How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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