how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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