Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize