Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize