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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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