Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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