there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
