it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
