Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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