a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
