mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
