Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I sprained my soul last night
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
