Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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