Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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