I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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