Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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