You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
