So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
