We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
