Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
