i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Let's get the cat blown out
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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