Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my being single is dangerous.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
