So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
