No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
