My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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