Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
