I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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