I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
