Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
