i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
