Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This house was built for laser tag.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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