We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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