I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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