Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
and she was petting her beer can
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize