Got a toothbrush?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
