I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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