someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize