After last night, I could never be a politician.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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