Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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