Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This is the high leading the old right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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