why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
