Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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