my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
