I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
