U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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