It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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