I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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