Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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